Halloween Play-By-Play

6:15 It’s Halloween night and I’m sitting out on the front porch of the Rudd’s home with Renee passing out candy to neighborhood kids. Actually, she’s passing out the candy, and I’m providing a self-entertaining commentary on the evening. For future reference, all ages listed are approximations on my part - based on categories of voice pitch, presence or non-presence of parents, quantity of facial hair (on some girls this is a tricky category), and/or degree of appreciation for the candy given (old kids tend to be ungrateful and disinterested, while some kids are so small they should be given candy formula in a bottle).

6:19 My favorite costume so far has been courtesy of a little black kid wearing a shirt and tie claiming to be Barack Obama. His two friends were dressed up as “a school kid” and “myself.” I’m not a bitter soul, but “myself” is not a legit costume. I would have given the kid a vegetable or a broken crayon instead of a piece of candy, but Renee is nicer than I. Two pieces for each kid. Oh ya, and “myself” was way too old. If your voice has changed, you shouldn’t be trick or treating. It’s an unspoken rule about Halloween.

6:22 Two girls just walked up dressed like thugs, and so I said “Lemme guess, thugs?” “Boys,” they said.  “I’m a boy and I’ve never dressed like that!” I yelled as they walked away. They just laughed. I wasn’t joking.

6:25 Two early high school aged girls walked up dressed like Satan. Nice, ladies. Real nice.  On a similar note, I should mention the just as wholesome costume worn by a 9 year old kid earlier who was dressed as a pimp. That’s the way to raise your kids. Pimp costumes are the way to go. 

6:32 After the pimp left, I was watching neighbors across the street and saw two people on their front porch handing out candy and asked Renee, “Who’s in guy in the orange shirt? Oh wait, or is that a guy?” “Nope, that’s the neighborhood lesbian couple, Marla and I-forget-her-name,” Renee informed me, “and the one with the short hair is the ‘guy.’” “Oh, whoops,” I said, “my mistake.”

6:39 Ok, two seconds ago a kid with a shiny hood, a shield, and a plastic armor breastplate walked up to get candy. I tried to be friendly and said, “Hello there, little knight!” “Hey, how did you know I’m a knight?” the kid said back. “Uh…I think it was the shield, and the shiny helmet thing, and the breastplate that tipped me off,” I politely responded. I’m getting good at this being polite thing.

6:49 One kid just walked up holding his mask in his hands and his tongue hanging out, panting like a tired dog. “Dude, you don’t have your mask on!” I said. He didn’t say anything back. He had already collected his candy and was off to the next house. Having your mask on is the second unspoken rule. High pitched voice and mask on at all times. No exceptions. I might come up with more unspoken rules as the night wears on. It’s getting late and the sky is getting dark so the rush is wearing down. It’s about this time that all the high school students will start coming around I guess.

6:53 Two more horrible costumes: an eight year old kid as “myself” wearing sweatpants and a fleece, and a 9 year old girl in a white shirt claiming to be a vampire. Parents, please – unspoken rule number three: you must wear a costume! I figured that was, well, an unspoken requirement, but I guess not. Parents, dress your kid up for Pete’s sake! No half-hearted mooching off the neighbors. I don’t care if you wear a bed sheet over your head and call yourself a mattress! Dress up!!!!

6:57 A 16 year old kid who looked like a bigger version of Shaq just got candy. Holy cow! Someone please, pray that this bitterness doesn’t carry over until Christmas.

7:06 Ok, grandmas shouldn’t carry around a bag collecting candy too. Kids only. There is no senior citizen special.

7:11 New record, 7 year old pimp!

7:15 A 16 year old manchild dressed like a girl just got candy. I had to ask him his age - he had sideburns! Also, he violated unspoken rule #1.

7:17 A kid sleeping in a stroller decorated like a pirate ship just rolled up, pushed by his parents. And yes, you guess it, still collecting candy. Parents please, go home and put the kid to bed. If he’s too tired to stay awake, he shouldn’t still be out getting candy. Sounds like another good unspoken, “Must be awake to receive candy.”

7:19 Heading inside to eat pizza for dinner. Jet’s – it’s fabulous.

 

Review of Four Rules:

1. Must not have already gone through puberty.

2. Must be in full costume at all times.

3. Must wear a costume, period.

4. Must be awake.

 

Anyone care to add a few rules I might have left out?